World Full of Chaos

The United States of America and its living beings are experiencing one of (maybe top 5)scariest things they have ever had to endure.

No one has seen anything like this. From health care professionals, hospitality industries, to small and locally owned businesses, NO ONE. We’ve been asked to quarantine and “social distance” What this is supposed to mean: stay inside, away from groups of people, 3-6 ft apart from other people, basically keeping your distance and staying clean. You think it would be simple? Right?

WRONG. The human mind can’t comprehend the simple. We as humans and the nature of our being are so accustomed to doing what we wan when we want. Learning all that I have learned during this time from books that I have read and podcast’s I’ve listened to I’ve learned one thing:

In a bery simple quiet and present world that we have been given, we have the tendency to make our frequencies out of equilibrium and adapt very toxic wave patterns.

I’ve learned that our neurological networks are being put into overdrive everyday that we do not live in the present. We’ve grown so accustomed to not letting out best creative selves come to light that we have silenced them completely. When its time to let them them be heard and give the attention that they deserve, its battle.

Breaking these uneasy and forced frequencies that our external bodies have trained our internal being to comply to is like awaking a beast. A beast that is trapped in a cave, where its very dark, it craves for sunlight. It longs for water and the nuture that it deserves to be set free. Charged with wrongful crimes that our externals states have so wrongful sentenced to. In a state of solitude that the internal begins to believe what its being told is right.

And I am now learning that, that is not true. Not any more.

I’m learning to break free and feel the energy, feel the world around me. Feel the ever living breath of the earth as we spin into existence. But go beyond that and feel that beyond time and space we exist in a place full of whole fulness and love.

Where the vibrations of what I want, can be achieved as long as it comes with pure intentions and true walks of life.

Inspired by Rudy Francisco

My name is Gabrielle Noel Nunez. I’m, 23 years old. I was born in December, I like the cold and I like to shoot at zombies for fun.

I drink coffee every morning before I start my day and it’s become one of my worst habits.

I laugh loudly & proudly, in places with people who make me feel whole. I enjoy traveling to places I’ve never been.

I don’t know how to make decisions correctly.

Sometimes it’s like having a really good day that for by in the blink of an eye:

quickly & unthought of.

Other times, if my decisions were in a race with the turtle and rabbit, I’d come in last place.

I often get carried away in relationships, the same way a baby does in a room full of family. Running around, vulnerable, enjoying the attention and then I fall. But really good at picking myself up.

As you can see, I’m far from perfect.

But I’ve been told that I have a nice smile, pretty eyes and (EDIT: a way of making life look nice) heart of gold.

I enjoy being the glue that holds a (broken) friend together and whole.

Hi,

the people that are close to me call me Gabby and sometimes Auntie.

I know that things don’t always workout the way I would like. I’ve made it through 90% of my worst nights, so know that the sun will always rise, proves that I’m going to be alright.

Not so easy, not so peasy.

Okay but seriously,

sometimes you have to do things that scare you even though you thought you (secretly) genuinely believed you were invincible.

Leave the shitty living situations of your adoptive family? OF COURSE.

Imancipate your self at 16? EASY.

Move away for college? PSSHHH.

Move half way across the country for a 6 month internship at 19? CAKE.

In a state that you’ve never been to? HELLOO.

Do it all over again for an additional two months in the summer? DUH.

Try finding love? (only to fail a couple of thousands of times) OF COURSE.

But for whatever reason to the 22 year old Gabby, moving to a state that I’ve ever been to, living with people I have never met and working a job that I know was going to be mentally and physically draining was terrifying and the perfect reason for anxiety to welcome me like an old friend.

It is crazyyyy how much anxiety and stress really built up to this move. I couldn’t figure out what is was. Every trip I’ve ever done I have had someone with me or known that I was going to be okay. But this time it is different. I drove up to a state that I have never been to with an address in my google maps to a house that I would be living in for the next couple of months with 3 guys I had never previously met. But still there I was Saturday morning ready to go and get on the road.

It’s like the 22 year old is more aware I guess??? Not too sure. All the while having my itty bitty little heart knawed on and spat out just a couple of days prior. Because as a female, when the sky is falling because of a boy it really does fall all at once.

But the fear of not liking things, people, the new job and living situations were all very very clear and present. It’s like once you become this fully developed person you truly know what you want and what you don’t want to have to endure. So you don’t. Realizing this now, you make your decisions solely based of comfort. We get so used to giving ourselves exactly what we want, when we want it and how we want it. Instead of going out of our comfort zones and allowing our selves to think “holy shit this is pretty scary.”  We just decided not to face it, turn the cheek, turn around and go the comfortable route.

I think we all need to feel stuck sometimes.  I believe it is healthy and it helps the growth of a person. Without that stuck feeling, without the anxiety and scary thoughts that pop up in our heads at night while we lie awake in bed we become the people that we judge and claim we never want to be like.

And for one, don’t want to be that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Notes from my phone.. 2.0?

Have you ever taken a moment to think about your thought process?

Yes, I just said that. THINK about your THOUGHT process. I’m not to sure if I’m the only one but Catch my self thinking about stuff that I am thinking about all the time. I realize it sounds fairly odd or at least I feel like it sounds kind of odd, but were going to roll with it.

This whole blogged was inspired by my friend who introduced me to a book. A book that I still have never read to this day, but the concept of the book was so unique and interesting. It was book entirely based off of notes from the authors phone. Just simple thoughts that were jotted down in the moment and can be referred back to later. I think it makes perfect sense.

So as a result, I started doing it. I would type something up when I would catch me thinking about what I was thinking about… are you confused yet?

Heres’ an example:

okay… umm…

This is super hilarious if you ask me. This note was written while I was peeing while at a club named Whiskey Dick’s super duper hard core country bar, not my scene at all. BUT when you live in a small college town this is what we have and you take what you can get. Anyway back to the whole point, I walked in to the stall and remember thinking that I hate using the accessible stalls because if it ever happens that an accessible person comes in while you are using it you THAT person. I don’t want to be that person.

AND THEN… it hit me!

Why is this stall even necessary?? GIVEN, I was fairly intoxicated I know that there are not limits and that its not odd, but I just found it funny. This isn’t meant to judge, it is just me simply acknowledging the fact that I acknowledge my own thought process.

Here’s another:

……

Brief explanation: I was either on the phone with my best friend and she kept saying that her purpose in life by God was to help other people love. She believes that she will never find a genuine love, because God sent her here to help others love.

Okay and that’s fine, but if you dwell on this your entire life, you lose your chance at love. God is loving, and caring and he doesn’t want you to go your life thinking you’ll never truly be happy with another human being.

So again WHY DWELL ON IT? Not worth it, at least not worth MY TIME.

There are many many more that I could show to explain but I think you get the gist of it. It’s just interesting to me that I take note in such things. I like to look back and remember my thought process. It’s like looking back at a pictures and remember being in the moment. But with having it written down, you remember exactly how you felt mentally.

I don’t know maybe I’m just too self aware.

One Second of Everyday…

Has failed miserably…. but here’s the three that I did do. I listened to a Ted Talk that discussed a guy who captured one second of every day from his life for however long he experimented with it. After it was said and done, he said that it made him so much more appreciative in the moment.

I realized, that I don’t want to recollect my memories everyday, but at moments and times when I felt most happiest or felt like it was worth remembering.

Because our generation…

Because our generation is so mentally screwed up and scared of commitment, I now doubt myself more than ever.

Because our generation is so against having relationships and being genuinely kind and loving towards each other I know fear that I am not good enough for someone.

Because our generation thinks it is okay, to have sex with each other but not be in relationship or have any special type of connection I accepted being with someone that only desired me physically and not mentally. I accepted less conversations and more touch. A touch that wasn’t good enough for me, a touch that I knew I shouldn’t accept, and I still accepted it anyway.

Nothing hurts a person more than not being good enough.

I asked for more.

I asked for more.

I ASKED FOR MORE.

I got no answer, but in all reality no answer is an answer right?? No reply. Nothing.

You begin to question everything about yourself at that point. You wonder why not me? You ask yourself well he only wanted IT, but was the rest not good enough?

So I’m going to answer all my own questions here. I am good enough. I am worth more than the bare minimum attention I was receiving. I deserve the best. I am queen of my own kind, no I do not look like the rest of the girls my age, with the caked on faces of layers and layers of make up. NO, I do not have long full (fake) lashes. But what I do have is this ammature ability to write. And I have this life experience that allows me to give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes. Even times when it doesn’t deserved to be given. I have a heart of gold, that allows me to smile. I have the ability to see the good in every situation when everything else in the world is turning grey. I see the light. I make situations awkward. Awkward in a sense that it’s okay to be weird and not normal,  choke on my words in front of a small group of 14 people that I see every week awkward. Through the stutters, red cheeks, and uneasy feeling in my stomach I shine. I shine through my words and my actions. I shine in a way that doesn’t compare. To layers of makeup and skinny waists.

I’ve never said this until now, but my smile is my favorite thing about me.

We are cut from our very own type of cloth. So if you’re reading this and have never felt good enough, please know this:

Those boys who don’t see you shine, do not deserve you.

Not your attention, and not your time.

You bring so much more to the table than you realize.

Don’t accept what everyone else is doing.

Do not tell yourself that it is okay, just because you’re getting attention.

Because I did.

IT IS NOT WORTH IT.

You beautiful soul, who truly deserves your attention won’t ever make you feel less than.

Shine and smile. Why you might ask?

BECAUSE OUR GENERATION.

 

 

 

They say go to the mountains, so I went to the mountains.

I have a friend who is going through probably the hardest thing she’s had to go through in life. (So far). Something that every single person will go through at least once in their life.

She’s. Going. Through. Heartbreak.

She’s hurt and she’s scarred and feels like the world is coming to an end. So here her and I are going on a hike to Soledad Canyon, in little ol Las Cruces, NM.

As I’m hiking up this probably less than medium level trail, I am dying. Absolutely dying. I am huffing and puffing and feel like my heart is going to pump out of my chest. So after this hike, I think it’s safe to say that even tho I go to the gym semi regularly, I am out of shape. Very. Out. Of. Shape.

I lived in Florida for a total of 8 months over the last year. That was the first time I ever left New Mexico to live else where. After those 8 months I never felt so much appreciation of New Mexico mountains. A place that has true beauty, a place that has a story. A place that represents so much and also means so little to some at the same time.

A place I call home.

We hiked up towards a waterfall and it was just peaceful and beautiful and relaxing. It made me realize so much. A place that was so calm and beautiful holds nothing, but can have everything all at once. Sometimes you get so caught up living life you forget to live. If that makes sense?

Our mind and our bodies get so consumed by everything and anything possible we forget to live. And we forget to breathe and we forget to just relax.

I’m trying really really hard to love myself. And appreciate who I am as a person. I’ve been through a lot in my 20 years of life, but this is one of my hardest lessons. This hike we took made me realize that I am a mountain. I’m always there, and will always be there. I am beautiful. I want to be peaceful and relaxed. But how did I get to see this? I had to huff and puff to make it to this mountain. So in order to become who I need to be for myself I have to continue to put in work, because no matter how much I think I know, I don’t. There’s always room for self improvement and I won’t love myself until I do. Make sense?

10:55 pm.

Laying in bed after a rough, and I mean VERY ROUGH 2 and half hours of studying for my accounting exam. As I lay here switching between apps and the constant hum of my stress for my exam tomorrow morning, I can’t help but think, that I still want someone here next to me. I don’t want any one specific but, I have this giant queen size bed, and only me in it. Oh and I guess we can’t forget Bella. For the record, Bella is less than 3 feet tall and she takes up minimal space when she wants to. Did I forget to mention Bella is a beagle and my dog? But still is not enough to keep me content. I want a human body in my bed next to me. No we don’t have to cuddle. No we don’t have to be in a titled relationship. But I want your conversation at 10:59 pm. (Current time now) I want your pillow talk, and I want someone to tell me that I will be okay for this accounting exam tomorrow.

I. Want. Someone’s. Attention.

Because honestly, sometimes it’s nice to feel wanted.

Tuesday morning

I am currently sitting on my kitchen table, eating an omelet I just made. Drinking New Mexico piñon coffee. My coffee is in an Epcot mug and I absolutely feel content. I have Friends playing as background noise, as I’m thinking about all the crap I need to get done today.

I have a friend (Caroline) who is in a completely different time zone doing the same exact thing minus the omelet, add searching for jobs.

It’s 10:04 where I’m at. I have homework galore and should probably start getting ready for class. So here’s to another day.

Side note: if anyone is wondering I’m really good at making omelets. My omelet this morning has spinach and everything but the bagel seasoning from Trader Joe’s.

Side side note: my omelets are the same every single time I make them. Soooo.

Last side note: I only use said seasoning on my omelets because we unfortunately don’t have a Trader Joe’s here and I’m genuinely devastated about it.

Let’s give it another shot

My friend posted this thing on instagram and I totally loved it. It was a picture of the book titled Notes From My Phone. She even posted an exert from it… I FELL IN LOVE.

So basically what it is… the author would just right down in her notes on her iPhone what she was thinking and how she was feeling at that moment. I loved it. She compiled it together and made a book, turns out how funny these little writings can show how much your being influenced or how your feeling from everyday life.

So I’m going to try that here.

Hopefully..